I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
