Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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