There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
