I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
May the power of my ass compel you!!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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