First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Dicks are not precious.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
