Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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