just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
