You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
