I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
