There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
