it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
