I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We don't watch enough power rangers
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
