the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
