i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
