I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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