In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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