To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
