When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
