how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
