I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
