I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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