I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
