just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
