I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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