Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
