She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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