this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
