cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
