i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
