So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
