I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
