either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
