My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
