you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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