We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
