1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
