Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
