2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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