I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
