I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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