How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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