They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
