so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
