He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
