i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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