I got her a Nickelback box set.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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