We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
