In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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