why didn't you poke me back
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
