She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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