I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
