Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
