Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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