So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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