mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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