my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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