Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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