Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I bet he comes in French.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
